Getting Past the Fear of Rejection

So here is a rule that served you when you were young, and almost certainly does not serve you well now:

You ask for what you want: self promotion.
The person you ask says no.
and then you apply the following rule:

Now here is the rule that most people in America apply: I ask, they say no, now I must feel rejected...hurt, stung, the very validity of me as a person questioned.

Does this seem like the rule that you operate from? If you are a natural salesperson, perhaps not, but there are not many of those out there. For most people, this is exactly the rule that they follow and it is a lousy way to run your life.

Where in the heck did this rule come from? There has been lots of study of the Fear of Rejection. Some experts will insist that this is a hereditary trait. (To which I say show me the gene!). Others will say that this rule was installed by well meaning parents attempting to keep their young children from killing themselves in the early years. (I believe there is a good bit of truth here. It is hard to avoid using withdrawal of love or approval with a child to get compliance...it is just so darn effective!) I have met some people, rarely, that can trace their fear of rejection to a single incident in their past. This memory, this occurrence, was so powerful, that they have a phobic response to people saying no. So, lots of disagreement about the roots of this disabling rule, this response to perceived rejection.

So, what can you do about it? How can you change this? Come back next time! Bye for now...Jack

Setting Yourself Up To Win Part 2

Definitions. Rules. Beliefs. Where do these things come from? They are so powerful these beliefs. Let's look at one that I have explored in great depth...it manifests itself as fear of rejection. I have seen this single, powerful fear, driven by lousy definitions literally tear people apart as they tried to go after their dreams.

Example in steps:

You try to promote yourself and/or your product or service.
Someone says no...perhaps they even say no harshly, but they say no.
You feel terrible...rejected.
Because you want to succeed, you continue to promote yourself.
People continue to say no, because that is what most people will always do.
You continue to feel terrible each and every time, stressed constantly, and eventually you stop promoting yourself.
And then of course, you get to feel bad about that as well!

Familiar? If you have spent any time at all working with clients, or salespeople, or watching others attempt to promote themselves, I know that you have seen this in operation. And where does it come from? Excellent question, but I like to go to the next step. How can you change this? Well, you need to change the rules, the beliefs, the definitions that are driving the feelings and behaviors and that is what I will talk about next time.

Set Yourself Up to Win

I am putting the finishing touches on a speech for tomorrow. I can remember many years ago when I would have been quite nervous right now. Instead, I have a real sense of positive anticipation...I am looking forward to presenting. What is the difference? Well, I have many hundreds of presentations under my belt now, but that isn't what made the difference. I will tell what did make virtually all of the difference.

I can't fail! Wow. Pretty bold statement, but let me make it clearer. I have set up and rehearsed my definitions for success so that I just cannot fail, whatever happens tomorrow. Since I can't fail, I can focus instead on doing my best.

Here is my current definition for a successful speech:

1) I show up.
2) I do the best that I can at that time...at the moments that I am presenting I will do my best.
3) I will learn something to make my next presentation even better.
4) I will do my best to have fun.
5) I will do my best to help the audience to have fun.

As long as I do these things, I have been successful and I will celebrate! Pretty hard for me to fail huh?

Notice that everything in my definition of success is controlled completely by me. At the moment of presenting, I can only focus on things that I will be able to control.

This same philosophy works wonders in so many areas where people are afraid of failure. The definitions of success that they have are terrifying them. Create definitions that empower you to take action and you will figure out how to continually make the results better.

We will explore this topic in some depth this week. There is power and profound knowledge here. Bye for now...Jack